Odi et Amo
by pocketgopher
Summary: Odi et amo - Latin for I hate and I love. Xel and Fi are in love, and although they don't know it, everyone else does. The only thing is...how does Lina feel about it? F/X, but Lina's pov


****

Odi et Amo

__

I hate and I love.

I don't know why, and

I am in agony. 

-Calullus

Day 1

They're doing it again. Completely ignoring each other, when it's obvious that all they want is to be noticed by each other. Filia and Xellos. Ryuzoku and Mazuko. Light and Dark. Yin and Yang. You'd think with all the "opposites attract" allusions in this world, they'd get the point. Noooooo…..they have to be all dense about it. If they'd just get along, I think it would be better, but Xellos insists on infuriating Filia, and Filia attempts to get revenge by flirting right under Xellos's nose! What happens, of course, is that Xellos gets really jealous but doesn't show it, teases Filia some more in retaliation, and the cycle starts all over again. It's just one big mess. 

I really feel like I have two toddlers on my hands. Sometimes I think the best thing to do would be to kidnap Xel and Fi, tie them to chairs, make them face each other, and keep them in there until they've either kissed and made up, or killed each other. I'd do that, except I'm not really sure what'd happen, and I don't want Zelas or Sachiro coming after me because I indirectly killed their minions.

Anyway, I better go if I plan on getting any sleep before my watch. G'Night.

Day 2

I realized that I said nothing about who I am, where I am, what I am, when I am, etc. etc. and so forth. My name is Lina Inverse, and this is my diary. I'm an adventurer by heart, a bandit-killer by profession, and a world-saver by destiny. My friends and I just finished saving the world from the evil DarkStar five years ago, and, amazingly, nothing has happened since. My companions are Filia Ul Copt, a dragon ex-priestess; Xellos Metallium, a secretive, annoying mazuko; Gourry Gabriev, a dumb blonde; Amelia Wil Tesla Seiruun, a justice-crazed princess; and Zelgadis Greywers, a depressed chimera. 

The two I was ranting about earlier are Filia and Xellos. They used to hate each other, but a kind of bond has grown up between them. And that's what I'm going to discuss in this diary. Some Xel. Some Fi. But mostly, almost all Lina.

Day 3

I guess I'll tell you some more about myself. When I was little, Nee-chan always, always made me practice magic with her. "Lina, get your sorry butt over here and work! There's no time for fun, you're gonna have to save the world someday." I didn't take her seriously then, of course, but I didn't mind. I loved magic, still do. But it made the other kids scared of me. Children are cruel, and fireballing them probably doesn't help much. So, no friends. Still, ok, although I was a little lonely. Then, Mom and Dad died. I cried, and I'll always miss them, but I didn't know them as well as Luna did. That's when she started to change. She got more and more involved in her work with L-sama. In her free time, she took up waitressing. She never had time for her temperamental little sister anymore. She…she started hitting me, abusing me. Then, finally, I wasn't even worth that. She left me, out in the woods. Alone. So I did what any smart, talented young girl would do. I ran, and I ran, and I ran. 

I wasn't really watching where I was going. Tears can do that to you. (Yes, I'm bitter) I ran smack dab into a bandit camp. Their intentions were, to say the least, less than honorable. To cut a long story short, I killed them. Literally. I got so angry, so afraid…well, Nee-chan's lesson's paid off. 

Then I met Gourry. I don't love him, I'll tell you that right now, but he was my first friend. Then Amelia and Zel, Xellos, and finally Filia. Filia has become my best friend in the past five years, the only one in the group I can talk to. I mean, Zel is waaaay too suicidal, Amelia's…well, too obsessed with Zel, and too young. Gourry'd forget what we were talking about, and I can just see me having a heart-to-heart with Xellos? So, I talked to Filia. And it turned out that we had a lot in common. Ok, ok, so she's a dragon, but I can kinda relate to all the pressure put on her by her Elders. Anyway, sleep calls. I'll continue tomorry.

Day 4

So, anyway, enough background. My shrink says the best thing to do is write down your feelings, and frankly, I'm getting tired of this, so, moving on… I guess one of the reasons I'm writing this is because I'm a little afraid. Yes, I, the amazing, powerful, beautiful Lina Inverse, am afraid. I always kinda thought everything would stay the same. I mean, Filia left to raise Val, but we say her often enough, but Amelia left…and Zel left…and then, finally, Gourry left, too…something about pilgrimage to his ancestors or something. But…they all came back. and I had nooo intention of letting my friends go again. I never wanted to be lonely like that again. I would never sit on a swing singing to myself again!!! (Did I say that out loud?) Anyway, this does all tie in to the whole Xellos/Filia thing. I always thought that we'd grow old together, always be side by side, go on vacations together, live in opposite houses, that sort of thing. But, suddenly, she's in love. I just feel like she's growing up, and I'm being left behind, still a child. Well, enough self-pity. 'til tomorrow!

Day 5

Guess who!!! Anyways, to continue where I left off yesterday…I'm really afraid that Filia will forget me when she gets together with Xellos. Well, maybe not forget me entirely, but it'll never be the same. We'll never be the 'sexy sisters' again. And I'm not sure how I'll deal with that. If my best friend, my _best friend _abandons me…what's left? I'm not in love with anyone. I wish to L-sama I was, it'd make this so much easier. I've even tried to make myself fall in love, forcing myself to think of Gourry, not thinking about his numerous faults…but it didn't work, and finally I gave up. So….It's back to the woods again. And I'm still running.

***

Should I continue with Lina's little diary? What do you think, dear readers?


End file.
